I know for a fact that I get so many things wrong so much of the time. Somehow I still have the capacity to think that each time will be different. That's true optimism.
I've been hurt quite a bit in different situations, and I have no taste for seeing my expression of pain on someone else's face. If you know what pain is, you should try not to cause it, instead of the other way around. I'm just not built for predatory behavior.
I don't know right from wrong; I just know what makes my stomach hurt and my head spin and what doesn't.
I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I love everyone with the fact that I trust precious few. I'm wondering if that's possible.
I don't want to be cynical but it seems sometimes like part of this society is about cultivating a substantial aspect of awfulness to nourish my cynicism and that of others. Otherwise I'd be true to myself entirely.
I happen to think it's unfair that I can read only my own thoughts.
Insomniacs lead a different kind of life. For one thing, our days are much longer. I feel like there's a certain level of privelege in seeing what my world is doing while I'm supposed to be asleep. It feels like staying at the theatre after curtain and watching the crew refreshing the set for another show. It feels fun and secret and outside the natural order of things, all of which appeal to me greatly. Even so, god, I'm so tired.
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Sometimes when I feel tired I like to think about that poem by William Ernest Henley, Invictus.
ReplyDeleteI am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
When i'm tired i feel as if i'm spriling downward. sometimes i have to rember that my state of mind is due to my mental and physicalendurance running down. The one thing that makes me feel better is knowing that as long as the creator gives me another day I can do better.
ReplyDeleteSo right, J, it's like INVICTUS was made for weary people. That's a poem that my dad and I share when one of us is feeling weak. It never fails to incite that winner's spirit in us once again.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, when my mind is affected by exhaustion, I find it even harder to identify my feelings and where they are coming from, Sun. I need to take your approach. If the Creator does give me another day, It is within my power to make it better. I like that :)
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