August, most august

Aside from being the 8th month in the 12-month calendar year, august is also an adjective meaning worthy of great admiration, or reverence. I feel like there's so much satisfaction to be gotten out of life, and so much to revere. I describe everything, from a groovy guitar riff to an involved piece of origami as "awesome" anyway so it seems like I'm wide open.
Since I can't zero in on one, two or even three things that inspire reverence in me, I'll treat you to a (drastically abridged) list of that which makes me think "august". Also, lists are awesome.
Acts of genuine kindness
Instances of real talent, in any area
The way that logic makes sense
The way it feels that sometimes the world puts on a show to dampen its otherwise blinding beauty
The blinding beauty of the world that is so obvious wherever you look, if only you just look
Humans and their limitless capacity for harm and for good
The whole phenomenon of thought and active reasoning
Any and all philosophers
The fact that the capacity to love is just as vital to sustaining life as the ability to imbibe water
That last fact, again
That there is a natural order and pattern to things and that it is not secret
August, most august
:)

Making Space In My Head At 3am

I know for a fact that I get so many things wrong so much of the time. Somehow I still have the capacity to think that each time will be different. That's true optimism.

I've been hurt quite a bit in different situations, and I have no taste for seeing my expression of pain on someone else's face. If you know what pain is, you should try not to cause it, instead of the other way around. I'm just not built for predatory behavior.

I don't know right from wrong; I just know what makes my stomach hurt and my head spin and what doesn't.

I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I love everyone with the fact that I trust precious few. I'm wondering if that's possible.

I don't want to be cynical but it seems sometimes like part of this society is about cultivating a substantial aspect of awfulness to nourish my cynicism and that of others. Otherwise I'd be true to myself entirely.

I happen to think it's unfair that I can read only my own thoughts.

Insomniacs lead a different kind of life. For one thing, our days are much longer. I feel like there's a certain level of privelege in seeing what my world is doing while I'm supposed to be asleep. It feels like staying at the theatre after curtain and watching the crew refreshing the set for another show. It feels fun and secret and outside the natural order of things, all of which appeal to me greatly. Even so, god, I'm so tired.

You Wanna Make Somethin' Of It?

I was having an argument with my sister once and called my dad up to talk about it. I gave him my position and vented a little. I told him some of the things she said in response and how I felt she'd started it. I also told him how she ended the argument by crying. I was mainly calling him to express how angry that made me, and expected nothing more than listening noises- you know, the occasional grunt or mmmhmmm. My dad shocked the hell out of me by saying, "Well you know honey, you can be a little relentless in an argument." My immediate thought was what the hell are you talking about? which sounded so good in my head that I said it out loud. "Well", he said, and it didn't escape my notice that he sounded a little... cautious, "your arguing style can be a little harsh. You aren't mean exactly but you are a little sharp and sometimes it can feel like a criminal trial". I don't remember my response at the time, just that eventually we changed the subject and then hung up amicably, but I never forgot that he said that to me. I can now, here in type for the world to see, admit that that may be true. There is a reason why my father, my sister, all past boyfriends and the current one and a smattering of others say that arguing with me is like going a couple of rounds in the ring while on flu medication, but it is NOT because I'm some mean- spirited wackadoo who likes to crush her opponents. I'll tell you why it is, and in so doing, clear my name. I hope you're reading this, guys.

First of all, I'm no astrology freak but I know the signs and some of the ideas about the zodiac hold true. I am an Aries. I didn't find out as a child that I was an Aries and pattern my behavior after the profile; rather, I was born as I was, my character developed as it did and one day I came across my sign as it corresponded to my birthday. I read the profile and recognized myself all through it. That being said, Aries are passionate and argumentative (grumble) among other things. My corresponding planet is Mars, the Roman god of war, whose Greek name is Ares. See? Arguing is in my stars.

Even so, I never argue for argument's sake. I'm not actually argumentative. My dad and others have called me relentless in an argument, which is true, and a whole different animal. All that means is that when I do deign to argue, I do it to win. To me, I'll admit, each argument is a mini war with me on one side of the line and my opponent on the other. I'm only arguing because I feel there is an important point to be made. Therefore I will argue my point with all I've got. It may get heated, so deal. It's an argument, not a tickle fight.

Also, being crystal clear and defining terms is very important to me. "You never (ex) take my advice, anyway" or "You always (ex) talk down to me" are really annoying. They're whiny and not at all conducive to an argument. Think about it. If you're a friend, do I really NEVER take your advice? Please remember that never means NEVER. For God's sake, don't hyperbolize.

And I don't endorse passive aggression. I'll confide in you that the argument with my sister started because she was upset about something and expressed it by making faces, avoiding eye contact and slamming my cabinets. "Is there a problem?" "No." SLAM!! "You seem upset." "I'm fine." BANG!! CRASH!! I responded by guessing what she was upset about and addressing it one- sided. Wrong, sure, but what other choice did I have? She kept saying she didn't want to fight about it so leave her alone. I said your eyes keep rolling in your head. Your hands keep trying to splinter my cabinetry. You're already fighting about it, girlfriend. I believe she wanted to (crude alert!) indulge her pissy attitude and act out on me without actually engaging me. I consider this MONSTROUSLY unfair. I see all passive aggressive behavior as explicit engagement that denies the other person the chance to respond. So I will respond. Simple as that.

I'm not the type to go around making people cry. In an argument, however- especially those that start like the above example- sometimes people cry. Which, in and of itself, is normal for a person under stress but is usually a manipulative act- what I call "The Showstopper". This is the point at which I'm supposed to say "hey, hey, please don't cry...shhhh". What came out the time with my sister was "oh, god, now you're crying? since you started this, shouldn't I be the one crying??" Which was, yeah, mean. But I don't end the argument here and on the rare occasions that I have let "The Showstopper" actually stop the show, it has taken massive amounts of will to shut up. I maybe have a little trouble letting things go. I feel that an argument is pointless without a resolution so I usually don't stop until one has been reached. Sorry.

Mother's Day

Just this to say:

Raising a child in an atmosphere of love, compassion and selflessness is a revolutionary act in and of itself. To sacrifice for the good of your child, or to teach lessons at every opportunity, or to converse with a child and give them the sense early on that their words and ideas are important, to love a child and show them how to love back... to do these things is to change the world in a very real way for the better. Our parents are the best chance we have for turning the tide away from the culture of selfishness, shallowness and emptiness that threatens to become the norm. Our actions create and cultivate a generation of strong people whose principles are rooted in humanism and for whom love of self and others is the foundation upon which all facets of society are constructed. To all mothers, fathers and people who care, thank you.

<3

The REALLY Tough Questions

I was thinking today of the human condition, which has been defined in so many ways by so many people. My original train of thought was that all the different interpretations of what it means to be human had rendered the human condition undefinable. As I turned it over a little more, I came to believe that just because an explanation is not definitive doesn't mean it doesn't stand. Basically, it's not so much that the human condition is undefinable; it's more like the definitions are infinite and equally valid. As long as you are a human, your interpretation of the human condition is spot- on. Isn't that both obvious and a relief?

Predictably, this revelation led me to venture my own interpretation of the human condition. This is something I had never really attempted to do in earnest. I'd only ever skirted the issue because it seemed...well... too damn big. And again, I'd believed it to be undefinable, too involved, too multi-faceted. My thoughts, stories, even sentences tend to meander- that's just my way- but I prefer my definitions to be precise, stark and, if necessary, broken down in outline format. Issues like this aren't so neat but even at the risk of gross overstatement, I feel good saying that humanism is probably the key to solving all issues that stem from misunderstanding, prejudice and other such obstacles to sharing the human condition. Just throwing that out there.

Here's a thought: If we got everyone on the planet to sum up in one sentence what it means to be human according to their beliefs, maybe we would find a thread of commonality that would reveal some universal truth about our collective perception of humanity. Coming from the perspective of religion (any religion), non-religion, spiritualism, atheism, non- belief, cynicism, naivete, childhoood, depression, unreality, narcissism, paranoia- or any of the countless other conditions that affect one's understanding of living and feeling and being human- I think it's entirely possible that each answer will share a common denominator.

As I've said, I ventured my own interpretation. It bears explanation, though, so I'll post it next time. In the meantime, what does it mean to be human? Whatever you say is right and true.

Tossing Coins

I have a brain. I have fingers. I have a heart. Sometimes the brain gets full, so I write. Sometimes the fingers can't grasp, so I write. Sometimes the heart breaks, so I write.

Ideas are fair exchange on a forum like this. I want to share mine and hear other people's. I'm new to blogging, though, so be gentle. What it all boils down to is I have stuff I want to say and I'm tired of muttering it all to myself under my breath. So exchange with me! Let's hurl ideas and wish for answers- let's toss coins into the ocean. Let's be talkers and pundits and philosophers all, shall we? I think we'll have fun together, and we might even learn something. You excited? I am.

:)