Making Space In My Head At 3am

I know for a fact that I get so many things wrong so much of the time. Somehow I still have the capacity to think that each time will be different. That's true optimism.

I've been hurt quite a bit in different situations, and I have no taste for seeing my expression of pain on someone else's face. If you know what pain is, you should try not to cause it, instead of the other way around. I'm just not built for predatory behavior.

I don't know right from wrong; I just know what makes my stomach hurt and my head spin and what doesn't.

I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I love everyone with the fact that I trust precious few. I'm wondering if that's possible.

I don't want to be cynical but it seems sometimes like part of this society is about cultivating a substantial aspect of awfulness to nourish my cynicism and that of others. Otherwise I'd be true to myself entirely.

I happen to think it's unfair that I can read only my own thoughts.

Insomniacs lead a different kind of life. For one thing, our days are much longer. I feel like there's a certain level of privelege in seeing what my world is doing while I'm supposed to be asleep. It feels like staying at the theatre after curtain and watching the crew refreshing the set for another show. It feels fun and secret and outside the natural order of things, all of which appeal to me greatly. Even so, god, I'm so tired.

You Wanna Make Somethin' Of It?

I was having an argument with my sister once and called my dad up to talk about it. I gave him my position and vented a little. I told him some of the things she said in response and how I felt she'd started it. I also told him how she ended the argument by crying. I was mainly calling him to express how angry that made me, and expected nothing more than listening noises- you know, the occasional grunt or mmmhmmm. My dad shocked the hell out of me by saying, "Well you know honey, you can be a little relentless in an argument." My immediate thought was what the hell are you talking about? which sounded so good in my head that I said it out loud. "Well", he said, and it didn't escape my notice that he sounded a little... cautious, "your arguing style can be a little harsh. You aren't mean exactly but you are a little sharp and sometimes it can feel like a criminal trial". I don't remember my response at the time, just that eventually we changed the subject and then hung up amicably, but I never forgot that he said that to me. I can now, here in type for the world to see, admit that that may be true. There is a reason why my father, my sister, all past boyfriends and the current one and a smattering of others say that arguing with me is like going a couple of rounds in the ring while on flu medication, but it is NOT because I'm some mean- spirited wackadoo who likes to crush her opponents. I'll tell you why it is, and in so doing, clear my name. I hope you're reading this, guys.

First of all, I'm no astrology freak but I know the signs and some of the ideas about the zodiac hold true. I am an Aries. I didn't find out as a child that I was an Aries and pattern my behavior after the profile; rather, I was born as I was, my character developed as it did and one day I came across my sign as it corresponded to my birthday. I read the profile and recognized myself all through it. That being said, Aries are passionate and argumentative (grumble) among other things. My corresponding planet is Mars, the Roman god of war, whose Greek name is Ares. See? Arguing is in my stars.

Even so, I never argue for argument's sake. I'm not actually argumentative. My dad and others have called me relentless in an argument, which is true, and a whole different animal. All that means is that when I do deign to argue, I do it to win. To me, I'll admit, each argument is a mini war with me on one side of the line and my opponent on the other. I'm only arguing because I feel there is an important point to be made. Therefore I will argue my point with all I've got. It may get heated, so deal. It's an argument, not a tickle fight.

Also, being crystal clear and defining terms is very important to me. "You never (ex) take my advice, anyway" or "You always (ex) talk down to me" are really annoying. They're whiny and not at all conducive to an argument. Think about it. If you're a friend, do I really NEVER take your advice? Please remember that never means NEVER. For God's sake, don't hyperbolize.

And I don't endorse passive aggression. I'll confide in you that the argument with my sister started because she was upset about something and expressed it by making faces, avoiding eye contact and slamming my cabinets. "Is there a problem?" "No." SLAM!! "You seem upset." "I'm fine." BANG!! CRASH!! I responded by guessing what she was upset about and addressing it one- sided. Wrong, sure, but what other choice did I have? She kept saying she didn't want to fight about it so leave her alone. I said your eyes keep rolling in your head. Your hands keep trying to splinter my cabinetry. You're already fighting about it, girlfriend. I believe she wanted to (crude alert!) indulge her pissy attitude and act out on me without actually engaging me. I consider this MONSTROUSLY unfair. I see all passive aggressive behavior as explicit engagement that denies the other person the chance to respond. So I will respond. Simple as that.

I'm not the type to go around making people cry. In an argument, however- especially those that start like the above example- sometimes people cry. Which, in and of itself, is normal for a person under stress but is usually a manipulative act- what I call "The Showstopper". This is the point at which I'm supposed to say "hey, hey, please don't cry...shhhh". What came out the time with my sister was "oh, god, now you're crying? since you started this, shouldn't I be the one crying??" Which was, yeah, mean. But I don't end the argument here and on the rare occasions that I have let "The Showstopper" actually stop the show, it has taken massive amounts of will to shut up. I maybe have a little trouble letting things go. I feel that an argument is pointless without a resolution so I usually don't stop until one has been reached. Sorry.